Hey you stinkies.
Hope y'all had a fun and spooky Halloween! I've never done a slutty costume before (not for Halloween anyway), so I was gonna be a slutty cat this year. But instead I dressed up as a gay loser who watches scary movies and sucks the chocolate off of Milk Duds. I still eat the caramel underneath, but it's more like I suck on that too for like 8 minutes until it's so small I forget it's there. It's honestly the correct way.
Week 8 of the NFL has come and gone, which means we're officially in November.
I'd like to congratulate all of you out there for scoring as many points as the Raiders did this week. Y'all are so talented and I admire you greatly.
The Broncos played the Jags in London. The NFL truly continues to send the best of their product across the pond for English fans. As if their lives aren't hard enough having winter year-round and eating beans 3 meals a day, Roger Goodell thought they'd wanna spend their Sunday watching Russell Wilson vs. Trevor Lawrence.
Can you imagine Disney trying to market Star Wars to an entirely new audience and screening the 1978 Holiday Special followed by the Lego Jar Jar Binks death sound on a 10-hour loop?
There. Pay £110 for that.
Oh, the Broncos won 21-17. Jaguars...everything OK over there?
The lead for arguably the NFL's worst division was on the line in the NFC South matchup between the Falcons and the Panthers. Panthers QB PJ Walker connected with DJ Moore on a 4th quarter Hail Mary to tie the game. Moore, however, removed his helmet in celebration and was flagged for Unsportsmanlike Conduct. That turned the usual 33-yard extra point into 48 yards. Panthers kicker Eddy Piñeiro missed it, and the game went into OT with both teams tied at 34. Pińeiro would get another chance in OT with a potentially game-winning 32-yarder, but he missed that one, too (so maybe the DJ Moore penalty wasn't that significant). The Falcons won and now sit atop the abysmal NFC South. The Panthers plummet to the bottom.
Derrick Henry ran all over the Texans, as he should. Henry piled up 219 yards on 32 carries and accounted for the Titans' only 2 TDs. QB Malik Willis only attempted 10 passes, completing 6 of them for 55 yards and an INT. Luckily for Tennessee, Henry was all they needed to put away the Texans 17-10. The Titans hold the lead in the AFC South — the only division currently challenging the NFC South for worst in the league.
Other teams in the L column this week included the Colts, Rams, Packers, Bengals, Jets, Giants, Steelers, Bears, Bucs, Lions, and Cardinals — not much should be shocking here. The Jets and Giants are both having winning seasons, but the Jets struggled against the Patriots, and the Giants lost to Seattle and the MVPOAT (Most Valuable Player Of All Time) Geno Smith.
The Eagles, still undefeated, will destroy— I mean, take on the Texans Thursday night. It'll be the 2nd-most interesting Philly vs. Houston matchup on TV, with the Phillies and Astros currently competing in the World Series.
The Eagles will either stay undefeated or they'll suffer such an embarrassing L that they should be disqualified from playoff contention and the Phillies should automatically lose the championship by default.
If the Eagles lose to the Texans, the Astros should be allowed to cheat in the World Series.
If The Eagles lose to the Texans, the Philly Fanatic should be forced to rebrand to something that isn't pure undiluted nightmare fuel.
And with that horrifyingly unsettling image, I bid you farewell. 'Til next week, bros.
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